Recently i just found myself very troubled.
By some very random and ambiguous things.
I was happy and i was unhappy.
I didnt know what would be coming of me.
nah.

Maybe i was influenced by ppl.
and a lot of ppl at the same time.
and i was too easily influenced.
haizz.
it made me feel troubled.
the way ppl think.
and it left me unsure.
of what i should do.

Ppl around me are complex and complicated.
they made me feel doubtful.
if the way i treated them was correct.
if the way i talked to them was correct.
if the things i talked to them were correct.
troublesome.
from simple things.
to complex things.
and now i could not tell if i understood them.

the things that troubled me seemed very stupid.
one guy, who trained himself like mad, and very very stubborn.
i tried to talk to him, and asked others to tell him.
but he ignored all the things i said.
i dont want him to overexert himself.
i advised him to moderate his damn stupid training schedule, but my words never reached him.
a few guys, very very complicated.
they appeared in 1 way, they talked in a different way, and they acted in another way.
and i failed to understand them.
when i tried to show my concern, they rejected me with the words "nothing" or some stupid things to divert the topic away.
my roommate, about to go back to his hometown.
he had to choose between his hometown and singapore, and his family forced him to go back.
and he was such a good roommate.
it made me feel powerless.
when i couldnt do anything to help my friends.
the things that beyond my power, these are just too many.

a few days ago, i chatted with my old friends.
one girl, she said she still felt familiar,when we havent talked for, dunno how many months.
it hurt me again.
for the way i acted.
spending too little time for my own friends.
it felt like betraying them.
and they still considered me a good friend.
aww.

another one, coming from a guy.
my secondary school friend.
asked him to do one thing, and he did it for me.
and the words i got back, it made me wonder a lot.
yah. i am a bad friend.
very insincere.
very forgetful.
...

then my family.
i talked with them quite little.
while i knew that my parents are very lonely at home.
since i and my sister won't be coming back soon.
and seeing how dearly they loved me.
making me realize how bad i was.
my sister. far away.
i won't see her for next two years.
and when i saw her tears when she waved to me.
i knew that i was really really really bad.

..

for some others.
i feel that i'm irritating them.
words from my mouth are bad words.
i have been talking sarcastically for so long and i forgot how to speak properly.
and it feels awkward, when you talk to others and they don't show the same enthusiasm as you do.
and it should not be their faults.
and i think myself to be an irritating one.
...

don't know what i can do.
nah. hope those feelings of despair will disappear soon.
i want to write all those memories.
so that it would remind me again of how bad i was.
actually it is still what i am
i want to change
but where to start.
and how to start
i need inspiration
...